Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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