How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize