at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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