If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
