Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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