I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize