I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
