Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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