she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
