Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We left an ass print on the piano.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
