she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
