I heard we made out
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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