my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
