Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
