you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
