Swine flu. Run for my life!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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