I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
