Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
