the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
