Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
