K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize