He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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