Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
