I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
