matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
