I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You need Xanax blowdarts
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
