I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
