matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
