I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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