nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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