all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
