Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
