i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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