my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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