Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
