I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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