Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
