I faked an abortion last night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
