There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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