I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
