I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
