she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
