on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
