we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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