peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
