He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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