well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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