K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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