I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
