You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
