You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
