mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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