I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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