she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
