i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
