How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
