I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
