i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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