He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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