Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
